Perspective and Poker......

So last night I completely imploded in the $300 buy in FTOPS event.

5600 entrants and I go out 754th. What do you do when you throw at least 4oo dollars in the toilet and possibly 200k?

Go outside and kick the dog?

Drink yourself into oblivion?

Yell at your wife and slam at least 76 doors?

My heart was racing....Sadness bursting from my chest. I could feel my old red film of anger moving across my eyes. The ideas of which item to throw are on the forefront of my mind. And what do I see?

My 15th month old daughter is handed to me. She is directly from the bath. She is wrapped in a green towel, as the stem, with a hood shaped as the flower. She giggles, looks me directly in my eyes and snuggles her head into my neck. She doesn’t move for least two minutes.


The SADNESS. The ANGER. The self HATE. Slowly and sweetly drained away. I knew everything was going to be ok. Where is there a place for self hate and deprecation when an embodiment of love is cuddled in your arms for warmth and safety? I could never imagine wanting my daughter to see that darkness.

There is no great measure of yourself as a man or even more so as a person as your image in your children's eyes. More than anything else in my life I have pledged to be a great father. There is no failure. There is no quitting. It has to be a decision to provide unconditional love to your child from the day they are born to the day you die.

I know that my father did and does not know this. I spent a lot of my childhood expecting and wanting this love and got left wanting. I swore to his face I would grow up and be a better father than him. I pledge my life to this.

Poker is a game of perspective. Analyzing where you’re at any given table and not allowing your inner voices effect what you know is the real truth. Put yourself in the best position to win and DO NOT EVER; EVER give up ship when you have just started onto the path to success.

On Sunday I quit myself before the real game even had begun. This is not a decision I would make as a friend, husband, and father. If I am going to ever follow through with my lifelong poker goal of placing a WSOP bracelet around my wrist. This focus, passion and perspective are mandatory.

Taking a Popsicle stick into a gun fight. That's what I did.

By the way. I love my daughter Carolina Rose.